Lost and Found

 

I have a confession to make…

I’m in love

I have been for quite some time now. Not a crush, nor a passing fancy- full blown, I would have your children, please be with me forever, Love.
This started some time ago- 2006 actually.

Josh
I remember the first time we met properly- our first block of TAFE, the basic rounds of ‘how to’ cookery. I didn’t meet and hang out with him initially. It wasn’t until a few weeks into the course that we really became friends.  to this day the way he introduced himself to me is one of my funniest memories. It marked the beginning of a fantastic friendship.

I was whipping cream- by hand. Which if you’ve done it before, you know is quite a process until you’ve found your own ‘knack’ of whipping it. I was happily off in my own mind, watching the cream to make sure I didn’t over-whip. Out of no-where, I hear this deep voice.

‘I like your wrist movement’

And that was it, by the time I’d startled, turned and laughed, he was retreating across the kitchen, smirk across his face. We nodded at one another in recognition, and by the end of the class, were properly introduced.

I found out later that the rest of the class had bets on how long it would take us to get together.

I moved to Sydney to continue my apprenticeship, and we kept in touch. We spoke almost nightly, constantly in touch. He was one of my closest friends. And then, I changed my phone number- his phone was disconnected. He didn’t have an email; I hadn’t given him my new number before his phone was disconnected.

So we lost touch.

It was a fluke when I was on holiday for a few days back in Queensland, and my best friend, Kristi, and I were shopping- Josh was in the loading dock unpacking food from the delivery truck for the kitchen he worked in. Our friendship was in as firm a place as it had ever been.

It was then I began to notice the colour of his eyes, and how my hands trembled a little every time he touched my arm. I went and bought a bottle of the aftershave he was wearing, just to remind myself exactly of the time we spent together.

Our conversations grew further apart in time, but no further in familiarity, our jokes.

Again, we lost touch. I moved back to Queensland, and made a concentrated effort to find him. Josh, you see, has an aversion to computers. So Face Book wasn’t an option. I tried the company he used to work for- they couldn’t give out his personal details, though they did tell me he had left the company and last they knew had moved north. I scoured the phone book, in vague hope I may find his mother and she could put me back in touch.

In the end, it was yet another fluke- I was at TAFE again, catching up on a class I had skipped. In this class was an apprentice who worked for the same company as Josh. He knew, and was friends with Josh- I got his phone number once more!

Our contact was few and far between, but our conversations, the HOURS we would spend talking and laughing, made every moment of effort to find him, worthwhile.

I don’t know how I lost his number the final time; all I know is that it is tearing me apart. I have been in steadily growing love with this man since the very first moment I met him- his stupid floppy hair, his wide eyes, his busted knee, his horrible temper, the way I could call him in tears and he wouldn’t mention the fact that he’d just finished a 15 hour day, but would sit on the phone and sooth me until I was calm. I’m in love with a man I haven’t seen in over 2 years, a man I haven’t spoken to in 15 months.

I don’t even have a photo of him anymore. But I can still picture him exactly in my mind.
I’m not sure what to do now, how to go about finding him again, or if, perhaps, I’ve used up my three chances. I’m not sure if I should let go of this, or more importantly- could I?

And if I do finally find Josh once more, and keep my vow to never let him go- how, really, do I gain the courage to tell him just how I feel? And how will I keep myself from falling apart further if my feelings aren’t reciprocated?

I confess, I’m in love with you Josh Reilly. And I have been for years. Come back to me.

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